I was a conqueror,
Fighting the limitless power of life,
Busy escaping the unpleasant unfolding,
Running to colonize all that I could with my mind.
A long time ago, life wounded me,
Like a rose roughly pulled from the soil
And I grieved by freezing life in some parts of my body
And finding refuge in my head.
My attention shifted
From the depth to the surface,
Ignoring and avoiding,
Rejecting and forgetting all the wounds,
The sacred roses of my being,
The wrathful protectors of my authentic self.
In their realms, mind has no place.
Only loving awareness of the feminine prevails.
I was ignorant,
Escaping by turning outward,
Such as a refugee, far from home,
Busy in endless doing to cover the pain,
Instead of just being.
Till a rose cast a spell…
One essential rose established her home in my being.
During all my life,
She called again and again
For some attention, some love.
The rose felt loneliness.
She took refuge in deeper layers,
In a dark cave of my being.
Out of the violence of rejection,
She became quiet, numb, voiceless.
She cut herself off from the sun,
went into the grave,
Deep in the soil.
The petals turned from red to black
Releasing her fragrance of desperation in my subtlest being.
I could not see her anymore.
I could not hear her anymore.
I forgot her.
While her sacred song of suffering
Was incessantly spreading through my flesh.
A mysterious black rose alive in my body,
Piercing with her needles
Slowly and deeply my flesh of being.
Killing me, in silence.
The black rose found refuge
In the deeper layers of my being.
I suffered aware and unaware.
Exhausted by errant wandering, I needed respite,
With the hope of being left alone.
A rest for the warrior fighting life
with the sharpest blade excising the feminine in me.
The dark rose was not totally unknown to me.
I smelled her fragrance when lost.
Thirsty for truth,
I even saw her in a glimpse,
Illuminated by the reflection of my sword.
Inflexible, she refused meeting with my mind.
She extended with her needles
Diving to deeper hidden unconscious strata.
I was more and more scared of her wild power.
Out of the sight of mind,
Life fed her with uncontained crazy wisdom.
She ventured deeper and deeper,
Hiding in my cells,
Living in my underworld.
One day, she reached the deepest part of the soil.
She could not go deeper.
Her fragrance was released from the core of my being
Grace manifested in a body quake,
Demolishing all my shields.
I lost control of my conqueror sword.
My awareness could not escape the intoxicating scent.
Liberated from the rational movement of gravity,
The blade illuminated the majestic rose.
Time and space disappeared.
I could no longer ignore her.
My conqueror mind collapsed,
It surrendered to the majesty of the black rose.
The rose pierced my heart.
The fragrance of the rose dissolved the fortress of fears
Pure wild Life,
Her nectar permeating all that I am,
My authentic self.